SPRING

It seems spring has finally arrived, it is just amazing how much the weather has changed over the last couple of weeks. Not so long ago we were under 8 inches of snow and the whole country seemed to come to a standstill for a week. Now the sun is shining, the snowdrops are in flower and the weather is milder. It makes going for walks so much more enjoyable.

We have a hill near our house with a tiny country lane and I tend to take the boy down there for walks, if we don't want to go to the Tarka Trail. I have been down there in all types of weather but I think this time of year is one of my favourites as it is not too warm, all the plants are starting to get back there greenery after the winter months and the birds are in full song. There is also a nice aroma which just helps make everything nice and peaceful.

With the milder weather I have also managed to get out for more bike rides. I have found a nice route where the first half is up a gentle incline so that when I turn round the way back is all gently down hill which means I can get up a real turn of speed which is great fun.

Well only a couple of weeks until I return to sea, I will miss the rest of the spring but at least I will be due off around August so I should catch the last of the summer and the beginning of Autumn. I hope we have good weather this year as I really want to go wild camping out on Dartmoor. I don't know why I want to do this I just think it will be going back to the routes of camping and it should be more peaceful than a camp site. Saying that though hopefully all of us might have a night or so at a camp site as I think little Beth might enjoy it.

Innocence

Yesterday as I sat there with little Elizabeth it struck me that she has no worries or understanding of the world. She has not seen the evil of this world or the goodness that surrounds us if we only care to look. Her smile brings sunshine to our world but I do wonder what sort of future world she will grow up in.

I look around and I wonder what the future will hold, will the human race survive or will we inevitably self destruct. As our resources dwindle will we be able to create other forms of renewable energy or will individual nations use military force to secure the dwindling supplies. Somehow I have a feeling that Elizabeth will not grow up in a peaceful world. There is however always hope and so maybe harmony will prevail.

Emotion

Emotion has never been my strong point. I find it easier to bury my feelings inside rather than show how I feel. I think this is due to my schooling where I learnt to survive by hiding my feelings. The only problem with this is that they always surface some time later and they are always worse than if I had just let them out in the first place.

The reason I mention this about emotions is that my wife has just had a miscarriage. It happened during the week I was due back to sea. After experiancing pains on Tuesday we saw the doctor and they arranged for a scan on the Wednesday. Unfortunately we could not get a morning appointment so it was decided that I should go ahead and catch the morning train to Scotland to join a ship bound for the Med, whilst Debbie went for the appointment in the afternoon. We were really hoping that all would be fine but unfortunately this was not the case. Both the ship and my appointer were really understanding and they let me turn around just before Carlisle so that I could come back home to support Debbie. Well we had to go for more tests on Friday and these confirmed that Debbie had miscarried.

It all seems so surreal at the moment, I just find it hard to understand what has happened. In some ways I feel no emotion at all as I have tried to keep busy and pretend that it hasn't happened. As soon as I sit down or stop doing things though, the reality hits home and I just think why is this happening. Everything seems to go wrong and every time I think I see a glimmer of hope in the tunnel of life someone breaks the bulb and kicks me in the gut.

I think the hardiest thing though is giving the right kind of support to my wife. As a man I find it very hard to understand the emotional turmoil she is going through and at times I feel absolutely powerless to help. I can be there to give her big cuddles and take the strain away by doing the housework and looking after Beth but what else can I do. I can listen but can give very few words to ease the pain. I really wish there was more I could do.

I suppose we have just got to try and put this behind us and hope for a better future. At least we have one beautiful little girl already. She really is a wonderful little ankle biter and she is always smiling, with a smile that brings sunshine into our world.

Snowed In

I only have another few days at home before I have to go back to sea to earn my keep. I am not looking forward to it but at least I have had a few extra days at home because of the weather. I was supposed to have been in Plymouth all week on a course. As it is only 45miles I had decided to commute but on my way home Monday night the snow came down heavily so a one hour journey took three hours. By far the worst bit of the journey was the last hour from Holsworthy. On a normal day this would have taken just twenty minutes but the roads were covered in snow and ice and the car was just sliding everywhere. At times the steering wheel had no effect, then of course there were the hills. I have no idea how I managed to get down and then up the Woodford bridge hill without crashing. At least when I got home I got a big hug and a can of cider.

After walking up the end of the road Tuesday morning I decided not to risk the drive again. As the weather got worse that morning I know I made the right choice as I couldn't have faced another journey like the one I had Monday night again.

Being snowed in has been quite pleasant though. The views out the bedroom window have been wonderful with the white fields disappearing into the distance. We made a big snowman as well but he soon fell over. I must say it has been quite amusing watching Brenin run around in eight inches of snow. Even more amusing was this morning when he went sliding around on the ice with all four legs going in different directions.

Well I am going to make the most of these last few days at home with Debbie and Elizabeth as I am going to miss them so much over the next six months. I am going to miss so much.