Emotion

Emotion has never been my strong point. I find it easier to bury my feelings inside rather than show how I feel. I think this is due to my schooling where I learnt to survive by hiding my feelings. The only problem with this is that they always surface some time later and they are always worse than if I had just let them out in the first place.

The reason I mention this about emotions is that my wife has just had a miscarriage. It happened during the week I was due back to sea. After experiancing pains on Tuesday we saw the doctor and they arranged for a scan on the Wednesday. Unfortunately we could not get a morning appointment so it was decided that I should go ahead and catch the morning train to Scotland to join a ship bound for the Med, whilst Debbie went for the appointment in the afternoon. We were really hoping that all would be fine but unfortunately this was not the case. Both the ship and my appointer were really understanding and they let me turn around just before Carlisle so that I could come back home to support Debbie. Well we had to go for more tests on Friday and these confirmed that Debbie had miscarried.

It all seems so surreal at the moment, I just find it hard to understand what has happened. In some ways I feel no emotion at all as I have tried to keep busy and pretend that it hasn't happened. As soon as I sit down or stop doing things though, the reality hits home and I just think why is this happening. Everything seems to go wrong and every time I think I see a glimmer of hope in the tunnel of life someone breaks the bulb and kicks me in the gut.

I think the hardiest thing though is giving the right kind of support to my wife. As a man I find it very hard to understand the emotional turmoil she is going through and at times I feel absolutely powerless to help. I can be there to give her big cuddles and take the strain away by doing the housework and looking after Beth but what else can I do. I can listen but can give very few words to ease the pain. I really wish there was more I could do.

I suppose we have just got to try and put this behind us and hope for a better future. At least we have one beautiful little girl already. She really is a wonderful little ankle biter and she is always smiling, with a smile that brings sunshine into our world.